HELLO FIENDS AND WELLCOME BAK. TODAY WE INTARVIEW WITH FOWNDAR OF GIANT YOGURT FURM MULLER. MR ANTHONY MULLER. YEW MAY ALLSO KNOW HIM FOR BEERMAKING SUTCH EMERICKAN CLASICS AS THE MULLER LITE. YEW CAN FOLOW HIM ON TWATTAR @MSPR1NT.

HI ANTHONY. TELL US WHO YEW ARE AND WHOT YEW DO

Anthony? That was my grandfather, he’s dead. Do you mean Antoinette? I’m Antoinette. I write about cricket and soccerball and sometimes athletics and whatever else other people want to give me money for.

YEW ACTUALY A WOMAN?

Last time I checked, yes.

WOW THIS IS GREAT. WHAT ARE YEW DOING TONIGHT?

Sleeping. Not with you.

IT APPEER I HAVE RESEARTCHED BADLY. WHOT DO YEW KNOW ABOWT YOGURT MAKEING?

You have to use Yoghurt to make Yoghurt, apparently. That’s what I saw on TV.

AND WHOT ABOWT BEERMAKEING?

Not much. I know it’s something that takes far too long for my patience.

I HAD THEES QWESHTUNS WRITTEN OWT SO CAN YEW ANSWAR THEM ANYWAY? WHOT IS YEWA FAVRIT YOGURT AND BEER? CAN YOGURT BE USED ROMANTICLY? WHOT IS YEWA BEST DRUNKAN STORY?

I don’t really have a favourite yoghurt, I prefer dead animal to culture and I’m not cultured enough to know about its romantic use. I don’t drink, though. ALL SUPPORT ANT. ANT

ANYWAY I GUESS WE SHOOD DISCUSS SOMETHING YEW ARE ACTUALY FAMILIAR WITH SO LETS TRY CRIKET. DO THEY JUST LET YEW WRITE ABOWT WOMANS CRIKET?

I don’t even get to write about wimmins cricket that often because the interest is too limited. So, I am condemned to the fate of watching and writing about the men’s.

WHO YEW FAVARITE CRIKETAR?

Dale Steyn, hands down, every time. Fast, furious, and a wonderfully nice guy.

DO YEW THINK THEY SHOOD MAKE THEM WEAR SHORTS OR AT LEEST TIGHTAR PANTS?

The men? No. Maybe they can play shirtless, though.

WELL THAT IS MOST SEXIST THING I READED FOR A WHILE. ANYWAY MOVEING SWIFTLY ON, WHOT IS YEW FAVARITE FORMAT OF THE GAME?

Long ball. The five day stuff.

WHOT YEW MAKE OF SOWTH AFRICAS RECANT FOAM?

We have some great foam on our beaches. It’s kinda gross to walk through, but it makes for great Instagram pictures. Oh…form…SA’s form…concerning, but not unexpected. We’re in a “transitional” phase.

WHOT ABOWT ENGLAND?

LOL

WHOT ABOWT THE INDIAN PERMIER LOL? YEW WOTCH THAT?

Watch, yes, follow, no. It’s in the background, on mute. I have to have sport on my TV otherwise I am reminded that I have ovaries and that I am the weaker sex.

WHOT YEW THINK OF ALL THE SPOT FIXING ALLEGATIANS FLYING AROWND LATELY? ANY IDEAS ON HOW TO STOP IT?

Get the FBI, Interpol, Hawks and Sherlock Holmes on the games. Put the bastards in jail. Zero tolerence, more control for those investigating.

PLAYARS SELECTING CLUB OVAR COUNTRY. DOES IT MAKE YEW MADDAR THAN A WET HEN?

Not really. Modern sport mainly manufactures patriotism anyway. If a player is better at one discipline, why shouldn’t he make as much money from it as he possibly can? Sportsmen have short careers. Exploit it. If I was proper good looking and taller, I’d also use that aspect of my existence to my advantage to make money.

ANY GOOD YOUNG PLAYARS YEW THINK FIENDS OF MORT SHOOD KEEP AN EYE OWT FOR?

Stiaan van Zyl. The most beautifully classic South Paw to come from the Western Cape in recent years.

WHY CANT NORTH AFRICA PLAY WITH THE SOWTH?

Because there is a struggle for African airspace and taxes making travel very expensive. It’s cheaper to fly out of Africa than it is within Africa. Cricket is a business, don’t ya know? It’s just not financially viable.

WHY DO YEW COLL YEWSELF M. SPRINT ON TWATTAR. DID YEW USED TO BE A RUNNAR?

Because I make typos so often, you know. Like a misprint? But the only running I do seriously is my mascara when South Africa play in World Cups.

WELL THAT STILL MAKE NO SENSE. WHO WILL YEW BE CHEERING IN THE KICKBOLL WORLD CUP?

Tricky one. My heart says Ghana (blame the 2010 Kickboll World Cup). So, Ghana until they get knocked out. Then Ivory Coast.

ANY CRIKET SUPARTIPS FOR FIENDS OF MORT?

Yorkshire will win the Blast. But I’m only saying that because Mr. Print is from Yorkshire and I am always told that they are quite good. But South Africa will be ranked number one in Tests again before the end of the year.

THANK YEW SO MUTCH FIEND.

WELL THAT WOS EMBARASING FOR MORT. I WOOD LIKE TO SAY HOWEVAR ANTWUNETTE TOOK IT ALL IN HER STRIDE. HOAPFULLY ONE DAY WE CAN ALL LARF ABOWT THIS.

ALL SUPPORT MORT. MORT